7 Essential Steps to Coping with a Breakup

How would you cope with a break up?

"Pain is inevitable.  Suffereing is optional." - M. Kathleen Casey

It is hard to follow advice on coping with a breakup.  Severing a relationship is never an easy thing to do.  You want to cry, shout, argue, or cut all communications to avoid the hurt.  But the fact is, trying to avoid what your feeling is never going to help you get over it.  In fact, it may even damage the next relationship you have.  If you really want to learn to deal with your unfortunate situation, then take these seven tips into consideration.

1)  “Time heals all wounds.”  

This quote has been said a thousand times over, but it is the truth.  Give yourself time to accept the end and react to the loss.  Cry if you must.  After all, if you don’t feel any hurt with the breakup you are experiencing, can you really say you actually loved the person in the beginning?  Feeling the pain is what makes us human, and although this is easier said than done, you need to face your fear in order to move on.  Grieving your loss is definitely going to help you heal.

2) Evaluate the situation.  

A breakup would never occur just out of the blue.  There truly was a reason as to why you and your partner broke up.  Was one person feeling neglected by the other?  Was one abusing the other in any way?  Think about the reasons that could have led to the break up in order to understand why it happened.

3) Evaluate your worth.  

Let’s face it.  In any breakup, both parties are at fault to some degree.  If you happen to be on the bad end of the deal, then think about how much you are really worth.  Was your partner always belittling you? Did your partner humiliate you in public?  Or could your partner have been so jealous over little things and making you feel guilty for nothing?  When you think about how your relationship truly was, you need to understand just how much you are willing to take.  Do you really want to continue being treated like nothing?

4) Reach out to your friends and family.  

A really great advice for dealing with the end of a relationship is to reconnect with your friends or family.  The ones closest to you, especially before your partner ever stepped into your life, are the ones you want to keep around you.  This will give you back a part of yourself that you could have lost while in the relationship with your ex.  It will also allow you to divert your attention to more important people.  Learning to get over someone and the relationship you had is not easy, but your friends and family can certainly help ease the pain and quicken the pace.

5) Do things that make you happy.  

Most of the time, when a person is involved in a relationship, they feel obligated not to do the things they want to do without their partners.  Think about it.  Did you ever want to take ballroom dancing lessons but your ex didn’t?  Or did you want to try the new Indian restaurant near your apartment, but your ex claims it isn’t good?  If you really want to learn how to cope with a breakup, do the things that make you happy.  Go for the things you couldn’t or wouldn’t do because your partner didn’t want you to.  This is also a great way to meet new people!

6) Another helpful advice is to get active.  

No man or woman is going to be attracted to a hot mess.  While your ex may no longer be in the running for your heart, you still want someone to see you for how great you are.  Take time to start exercising again.  Go on a hiking trip with your buddies.  Not only will this help you, but it will also increase your energy to explore the world while staying fit.

7) Get rid of the past.  

Your relationship is over, and there’s no need to hold on to the things that make it sentimental to just hurt you.  Do you have an old t-shirt your ex used to love on you?  Toss it out or donate it!  Is there still a picture of you two in your wallet?  Lock it in a box and throw away the keep.  Help yourself get over him, and you’ll definitely realize that coping with a breakup is possible.

Value Your Friendships

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art...It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. - C. S. Lewis

Me, Julia & Chan

Whether you have a ton of friends or you can count all of them on one hand, it is very easy to take advantage of people you feel close to. There may even be times when you expect certain people in your life to do things for you with no questions asked...but do you know who your friends really are? Are you showing them what they mean to you every now and then?

Recently, I have been observing just how much people easily take advantage of their so-called "friends."  In school, I have observed friendship break apart because on person wouldn't allow the other to copy the homework assignment they were supposed to do.  At work, I've seen people get upset if their co-worker friend didn't log them in back from break.  Even now, as an almost 30 year old adult, I've seen middle aged people go crazy because their friends couldn't pick them up or drop them off at home.  The value of friendship diminishes with each demand, special request and expectation made on the other.

Friendships is a great foundation of any relationship.  In order to ensure that you are putting quality value to your friendships, here are a few tips to remember:

1) Always say "please" and "thank you."

Sure, you may expect your friend to do things for you without question, but demanding is completely different from asking.  When you request your friend to drop you off at home, a simple "please" can make a difference.  Even if you ask every day for them to do so and they are used to it, dropping you off at home will become less of a burden to them.  And, whenever they do you a favor, remember to say "thank you" and show your appreciation.

2) Make time for your friend.

I am lucky to see my best friend in a month, but no matter what, I will make time for her -- even if it means sending a message or being online.  If she is in trouble or badly needs to talk, I will wake up early or go home late just so we can talk.  Being there for your friend, not just when things are really bad or really good, will help solidify the bond you already have.  This means spending some one on one time together -- without significant others.

3) Protect your friend.

Even if it means you have to get into an ugly argument, protect your friend.  If you know that he or she is doing something wrong, something that may hurt their self (physically or emotionally), let that your friend know.  If people are talking about your friend or pick on them, stand up for him or her.  A true friend will see your true intentions, even if it takes a little while, and will be grateful for what you do.  Make sure that you act the way you'd want your friend to act towards you.

Me, Diane & Ish

My best friends all live in different parts of the world.  I have two in the US (in two different states), one in the UK, and fortunately, one here with me in the Philippines.  In spite of the distance, the rare times we get to talk or even email each other online, and the occasional meetup, I know that they will be there to give advice or just lend an ear.

Befriending Your Boss

Is befriending your boss OK?

The workplace is supposed a place of profession and general perfection.  But how smart is it that you befriend your boss?

It's normal that you will get to know your colleagues at work almost as well as your close circle of friends.  After all, you spend 1/3 of your day in the office where you are forced to interact with them for the good of the company.  You need to have a unified front in order to deliver the expectations of the company and your business with the successful results.  You may even go out with your co-workers after a long day's work to relieve some stress...

But can you be friends with your boss? 

Imagine for a moment that you are working for a small firm where teamwork involves working with your superior closely.  For several months, you have gotten close with him and your team.  Soon, working late hours leads to stress releasing at the local bar for an hour or two.  Your conversations start to go from work tasks, problems and solutions to personal interests, favorite meals and family. You begin to develop a friendship, and whenever a work problem arises, it seems like you are constantly expected to be at the front line all hours of the day.  If you have a personal issue, you start approaching your boss for advice and favors during your office hours.  Yes, the friendship is there...but is this a good thing for either one of you?

There are several sites out there giving their opinion about why befriending your boss is or isn't good for you.  Before you decide to be friends with your superior, know that there is a lot to consider.  Some concerns would be:

• Emotional Concerns - Your boss is your superior.  He or she is tasked to watch over your action and performance when it comes to the business.  While you may appreciate being complimented for a job well done, what happens when he's forced to criticize the job you've done?  How do you think your boss would feel if and when he needs to reprimand you?
  
• Favoritism Risks - Being friends with your boss can also lead people to believe you're sucking up or he is playing favorites.  After all, a great boss would genuinely be concerned about his employee, but if you're friends, there is an added emotional factor.  This may lead to resentment by your other colleagues or low morale in your team.
  
• Taking Advantage of Friendship for Work or Life Issues - It can be hard to determine when you are actually "off the clock" when it comes to having a personal relationship with your boss.  He or she may find it easier to approach you to get more work done outside of the office without overtime pay.  Even if you are allotted OT, how much time are you expected to put in per day?  You may find it hard to balance your work and personal life.
  
• Social Media Effects - Today, everyone is online and has social media accounts connecting to the company they are working for and the people they are working with.  But if you need to vent through your social media account about your tasks, the policies or your boss, guess who can read it?
  

The truth is, being friends with your boss is a great thing.  You increase camaraderie in the office.  You are more likely to be able to approach him if you have any concerns and questions.  But if you are incapable of separating your work life from your personal life, being professional with your tasks and expectations or find a balance between your two worlds, then being friends with your superior would not be a good idea.  

On that note, remember that even if you and your superior are not friends, having respect for one another is the most important thing.  The best tips to keep a good relationship with your boss is to:

1)  Know your role and do your job.
2)  When you're in the office, keep everything professional.
3)  If you have any questions or concerns, ask your boss or research the answer.
4)  Keep up with company expectations -- meet deadlines, be punctual, etc...
5)  Leave the job in the office.

Tips to make your love relationship work

Making an effort to make your relationship work is important.

 "The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships." - Anthony Robbins

Hands down, I have to admit that my favorite topic to write about is love.  I don't know what it is about love that makes me feel like I am such an expert already, but I have observed more than my fair share of relationships (first, second and third hand experience) to know what makes it last and meaningful.  Here are some tips to help you make your love relationship work.

1.  Realize you do not own your partner.

I don't know what it is about our society that makes one feel like they have to put a label on their partner to make sure that everyone and their mother knows that she or he is taken, but relationships are not about making your partner fully yours.  When your relationship has become possessive, problems can arise that can slowly, but surely, drive a wedge between you.  A serious relationship is nothing more than a committed partnership where both parties understand that they have a responsibility to their partner, not an entitlement.

2.  Value space.

While we may feel like we need to spend every waking moment with our loved one, the truth is space is very important to any relationship.  I'm sure you fear the saying, "out of sight, out of mind." But also remember that "distance makes the heart grow fonder."  Space is needed to balance out your time together.  While very few couples can last being together 24/7, everyone else will last maybe a week of non-stop togetherness.  Guys, go out for a few hours and get a drink with the boys.  Girls, go out to lunch or dinner with your girls.  Do not be afraid of time apart because anything new that you do is another topic to talk more about.

3.  Always hold conversations no matter how silly the topic is.

Honestly, I feel like all my partner and I do is converse, and my biggest fear is running out of topics to talk about.  We talk about everything from the impossible to the impractical to the emotional.  Every time we talk, I learn a little more about him, and we spend enough time apart (physically and mentally) to do our own thing so we have something to talk about when we are together.  The more you learn about your partner, and the more he learns about you, the deeper the intimacy of your relationship will go.

4.  Spend quality time together.

Sometimes, quality time can imply spending money, but the truth is, you don't need to.  Especially if you are living with your partner, doing meager and mundane things can become quality time.  Wash dishes, cook or do laundry together is quality time.  This reinforces tip #3, and solidifies your bond as a couple.

5.  Always show your appreciation.

One of the most common reasons one partner will go astray is because they don't feel "appreciated."  Keep in mind that little things count, and if you can't say thank you or give your partner a hug for cooking your dinner, drawing your bath, cleaning up your laptop, etc., then you are slowly pushing him away.  Eventually, you are going to get used to him or her doing everything for you that it will feel like a task, not something from the heart.

6.  Acceptance is key, but change opens the door to possibilities.

There's a saying by Albert Einstein that gets to me whenever I see or read it.

"Women marry men hoping they will change.  Men marry women hoping they will not.  So each is inevitably disappointed."

Ok, so let's get this out of the way.  First off, change is inevitable.  Period.  A relationship that doesn't shift in any way is a stagnant, unsatisfying relationship.  And is that really want you want?

It's really girls that I have a problem with most of the time when it comes to relationships because our emotional side gets us to be so selfish.  (Yes, I am also including myself in this because God knows I'm not perfect either.)

Girls, why on Earth would you fall for a guy just to change him?  If he wasn't loving, thoughtful, generous, and loyal in the beginning, what the hell made you fall for the guy anyway?  If it's looks or money...guess what?  Your relationship has just started out as superficial as you probably are.  (Sorry, I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings.)  I have always been an avid believer in great love, but when I picture a man that I would one day marry, his looks or status didn't way heavily.  His attitude, his kindness, and his willing to change to make things better is what one should only focus on.

Guys, if you love a girl and you know that she isn't happy with you doing certain things or being a certain way, try to change it!  If you are the typical bad boy with tons of chicks on the side, by all means, run around with those girls and let your girl go.  Give her the opportunity to find someone who is actually willing to make her happy if you're not.

But the basic thing to note here is that there needs to be some kind of change in the relationship, especially since outside forces are going to test you, break you down, and make you rethink your current status.  Change also comes in the form of compromise.  Ex:  Girl hates sports, Guy hates the food network.  Both have to spend time together.  Solution:  Girl watches the game with Guy, and after the game, Guy watches the food network with girl.  No one has to lose out.  But if there are both have shows on at the same time, Girl watches the game with Guy, then Guy has to take her shopping or do dishes for a week is also a good compromise.

A realization to the meaning of relationships

Balancing what the mind says and the heart wants

Several years ago, I had a good friend ask me a mind boggling question that didn't make sense at the time.  The question was:

"Do you know why God placed our heads above our hearts?"

As a young lady who was slowly coming out of her shell in this crazy world, that kind of question never entered my mind.  After all, I have never really been in a real relationship and the world was my oyster.  I was new in the country, just starting college, getting to know people and acquiring quite a number of friends.  I was (and believe to still be) intellectually smart, not visually repulsive, and quite the funny girl.  I was thrilled to have gotten the freedom to "live", especially since my parents, as most Asian parents are, were strict in allowing me to have an adventurous adolescent life or date.  All I knew was I had caught the attention of a few guys, and a few guys caught my attention as well.  C'est la vie, right?

Keep in mind that during this time, I was talking to (and talking about) a few selected guys who seemed to take an interest in getting to know me.  And like a person who seemed to have been so parched, I took in what attention I could get and drank it all down as fast as I possibly could.  Yet, when my friend asked me a serious question such as "Do you know why God placed our heads above our hearts?" I was taken aback and literally speechless.

Take a moment, if you will, to think about this question.

Your heart is strategically placed inside your chest because it is the central station for blood to flow.    In figurative terms, the heart is what makes us emotional and allows us to feel intuition, passion, love, anger, hate, disappointment and everything in between.

The brain, however, is supposed to be the central system that allows you to function.  You can't think or move without it.  Your mind is what determines how smart you really are.  But the thing is, you cannot be pronounced "dead" if your brain stops.  However, if your heart stops, you would most likely have a toe tag around your big toe.

For those of you who are just beginning your path to finding real relationships, the answer to the question is this:

God placed our heads above our hearts because he wanted us to think before we feel.  Love, as grand as it is, is not always enough when it comes to being in a relationship.  We need to take the time to mold it, understand it, work on it, and accept it for its perfection and flaws.

This applies to any relationship you build, whether it is for love, friendship, family or work.  So, remember to use your head first before you use your heart.  Otherwise, you may just end up with regrets.