7 Essential Steps to Coping with a Breakup

How would you cope with a break up?

"Pain is inevitable.  Suffereing is optional." - M. Kathleen Casey

It is hard to follow advice on coping with a breakup.  Severing a relationship is never an easy thing to do.  You want to cry, shout, argue, or cut all communications to avoid the hurt.  But the fact is, trying to avoid what your feeling is never going to help you get over it.  In fact, it may even damage the next relationship you have.  If you really want to learn to deal with your unfortunate situation, then take these seven tips into consideration.

1)  “Time heals all wounds.”  

This quote has been said a thousand times over, but it is the truth.  Give yourself time to accept the end and react to the loss.  Cry if you must.  After all, if you don’t feel any hurt with the breakup you are experiencing, can you really say you actually loved the person in the beginning?  Feeling the pain is what makes us human, and although this is easier said than done, you need to face your fear in order to move on.  Grieving your loss is definitely going to help you heal.

2) Evaluate the situation.  

A breakup would never occur just out of the blue.  There truly was a reason as to why you and your partner broke up.  Was one person feeling neglected by the other?  Was one abusing the other in any way?  Think about the reasons that could have led to the break up in order to understand why it happened.

3) Evaluate your worth.  

Let’s face it.  In any breakup, both parties are at fault to some degree.  If you happen to be on the bad end of the deal, then think about how much you are really worth.  Was your partner always belittling you? Did your partner humiliate you in public?  Or could your partner have been so jealous over little things and making you feel guilty for nothing?  When you think about how your relationship truly was, you need to understand just how much you are willing to take.  Do you really want to continue being treated like nothing?

4) Reach out to your friends and family.  

A really great advice for dealing with the end of a relationship is to reconnect with your friends or family.  The ones closest to you, especially before your partner ever stepped into your life, are the ones you want to keep around you.  This will give you back a part of yourself that you could have lost while in the relationship with your ex.  It will also allow you to divert your attention to more important people.  Learning to get over someone and the relationship you had is not easy, but your friends and family can certainly help ease the pain and quicken the pace.

5) Do things that make you happy.  

Most of the time, when a person is involved in a relationship, they feel obligated not to do the things they want to do without their partners.  Think about it.  Did you ever want to take ballroom dancing lessons but your ex didn’t?  Or did you want to try the new Indian restaurant near your apartment, but your ex claims it isn’t good?  If you really want to learn how to cope with a breakup, do the things that make you happy.  Go for the things you couldn’t or wouldn’t do because your partner didn’t want you to.  This is also a great way to meet new people!

6) Another helpful advice is to get active.  

No man or woman is going to be attracted to a hot mess.  While your ex may no longer be in the running for your heart, you still want someone to see you for how great you are.  Take time to start exercising again.  Go on a hiking trip with your buddies.  Not only will this help you, but it will also increase your energy to explore the world while staying fit.

7) Get rid of the past.  

Your relationship is over, and there’s no need to hold on to the things that make it sentimental to just hurt you.  Do you have an old t-shirt your ex used to love on you?  Toss it out or donate it!  Is there still a picture of you two in your wallet?  Lock it in a box and throw away the keep.  Help yourself get over him, and you’ll definitely realize that coping with a breakup is possible.

Value Your Friendships

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art...It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. - C. S. Lewis

Me, Julia & Chan

Whether you have a ton of friends or you can count all of them on one hand, it is very easy to take advantage of people you feel close to. There may even be times when you expect certain people in your life to do things for you with no questions asked...but do you know who your friends really are? Are you showing them what they mean to you every now and then?

Recently, I have been observing just how much people easily take advantage of their so-called "friends."  In school, I have observed friendship break apart because on person wouldn't allow the other to copy the homework assignment they were supposed to do.  At work, I've seen people get upset if their co-worker friend didn't log them in back from break.  Even now, as an almost 30 year old adult, I've seen middle aged people go crazy because their friends couldn't pick them up or drop them off at home.  The value of friendship diminishes with each demand, special request and expectation made on the other.

Friendships is a great foundation of any relationship.  In order to ensure that you are putting quality value to your friendships, here are a few tips to remember:

1) Always say "please" and "thank you."

Sure, you may expect your friend to do things for you without question, but demanding is completely different from asking.  When you request your friend to drop you off at home, a simple "please" can make a difference.  Even if you ask every day for them to do so and they are used to it, dropping you off at home will become less of a burden to them.  And, whenever they do you a favor, remember to say "thank you" and show your appreciation.

2) Make time for your friend.

I am lucky to see my best friend in a month, but no matter what, I will make time for her -- even if it means sending a message or being online.  If she is in trouble or badly needs to talk, I will wake up early or go home late just so we can talk.  Being there for your friend, not just when things are really bad or really good, will help solidify the bond you already have.  This means spending some one on one time together -- without significant others.

3) Protect your friend.

Even if it means you have to get into an ugly argument, protect your friend.  If you know that he or she is doing something wrong, something that may hurt their self (physically or emotionally), let that your friend know.  If people are talking about your friend or pick on them, stand up for him or her.  A true friend will see your true intentions, even if it takes a little while, and will be grateful for what you do.  Make sure that you act the way you'd want your friend to act towards you.

Me, Diane & Ish

My best friends all live in different parts of the world.  I have two in the US (in two different states), one in the UK, and fortunately, one here with me in the Philippines.  In spite of the distance, the rare times we get to talk or even email each other online, and the occasional meetup, I know that they will be there to give advice or just lend an ear.